Rebounding After a Setback
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
– Dali Lama
Things do not always go as planned. That is not a motivational phrase. That is reality. Plans break. Expectations fall apart. The future you thought you had already stepped into disappears without warning. In that moment, everything feels unstable, and the reality of what just happened begins to settle in.
What most people fail to understand is that the setback itself does not define the outcome. It is how long they choose to stay inside of it. Pain shows up whether you want it to or not. There is no negotiating with it, no avoiding it, and no shortcut around it. But suffering is something entirely different. Suffering is what happens when we decide to live in that pain long after the moment has passed.
There is a difference between getting hit and choosing to stay down. Most people do not lose in the moment. They lose in what they do after it.
WHEN LIFE STACKS THE ODDS
At the University of Tennessee, everything was lining up. I was the Associate Head Strength Coach and the frontrunner for a head job at a major university in Texas. The staff was being finalized, Tennessee was heading to the Cotton Bowl, and the next step in my professional life was already in motion.
Then everything changed.
Between accepting that opportunity and finishing the season in Knoxville, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I was given a forty percent chance to survive. Eight weeks earlier, my son had been born premature. In a matter of days, personal, professional, and physical realities all collided.
The school in Texas shut down communication and went in a different direction.
That is what setbacks look like. They do not arrive one at a time. They stack. They test your plan, your confidence, and your identity all at once.
Mentally, I was in a hurt locker. That part is real. That part does not get skipped. But staying there would have been a choice, and that is where most people lose ground.
THE DECISION THAT CHANGES TRAJECTORY
Pain showed up. There was no choice in that.
What I did next was a choice.
I went back to work. I handled my treatments. I took care of my family. I focused on what was still in front of me instead of what had just been taken away. All I could do was to control what I could control. That did not remove the situation, but it kept me moving forward.
Two weeks later, the University of Southern California called. A door opened that I could not have planned for. That opportunity led to championships, sustained success, and a career path that would not have existed if I had stayed stuck in what just happened.
I did not cause the cancer. I did not cause my son to be born eight weeks premature. I had no hand in the school in Texas bailing on me. But I couldn’t stop being who I am. I had to weather the storm. I couldn’t push pause or reset. I had to play the cards that I was dealt.
That is the part people miss. The next opportunity does not wait for you to feel better. It shows up when it shows up. The only question is whether you are still moving when it arrives. But what is missed is that you must keep yourself in the game to be able to live the good breaks when they come.
I could have quit the profession. I could have followed the doctor's suggestion and rest and recover rather than go back to work. I could have packed up and left my family when they needed me most. None of those are in my DNA. I don’t quit. I’m relentless. I am resilient. I will always persevere and come out on top.
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU GET HIT PROFESSIONALLY
Getting passed over, losing an opportunity, or having something pulled out from under you hits hard. It challenges how you see yourself and where you think you are headed. Most people respond by pulling back. They disengage. They lower their energy. They wait for someone to recognize them again.
What they are missing is that this response guarantees more of the same. They begin to live down to the fears those who made the decision to pass them over had. They prove their dissenters right. They’ll never hear it, but someone is saying, “See, I told you they weren’t ready.”
The way forward is not complicated, but it is demanding.
First, pull up your pants and go back to being your best immediately. Not halfway. Not when you feel like it. Immediately. Your level of work cannot drop, even if your circumstances have changed. If anything, it has to rise. The work is what keeps you anchored when everything else feels uncertain.
Second, get honest feedback. Not emotional feedback. Not what you want to hear. Real feedback. Find out where you actually stand, not where you think you stand. Most people avoid this because it challenges their self-image, but without it, there is no adjustment.
Third, if one door closes, that is not the signal to sit and wait. Instead, expand who gets to see you and to widen your reach. New conversations. New environments. New opportunities. The next step rarely comes from the same place you just got turned away from.
Fourth, stay ready. The next opportunity will not arrive on your timeline. It will show up when it shows up. If you have pulled back, you will not be prepared for it. If you have stayed engaged, you will step into it.
That is how you move forward professionally. Not by waiting, but by working.
WHAT TO DO WHEN IT HITS PERSONALLY
Personal setbacks cut deeper because they are not just tied to what you do; they are tied to who you are. A relationship ends. A decision backfires. A path you are sold on all of a sudden disappears. Most people do not just feel the pain; they attach their identity to it.
That is where suffering takes hold. They veer off on a pity party. The doubt all they have built. They question everything. Paranoia creeps in. Many literally curl up in a ball and shut down. Then they compound it by making terrible decisions. Because they are easy. You trust people you never would have trusted. Your moral compass is readjusted, because that had to be the problem.
All of these responses cause more issues that can lead to years and years of mental and physical struggle as you try to get back to who you were.
The way forward begins with separation. What happened is not who you are. It is something that happened, not something you become. If you do not make that distinction, you carry it into every future decision.
Next, MOVE! Physical movement. Mental movement. Environmental movement. Sitting still feeds suffering. Movement breaks it. That can be as simple as changing your routine, digging into the passions that had challenged you in the past, or putting structure back into your day.
Then, take ownership without taking on blame for everything. There are lessons in every situation, but that does not mean everything is your fault. Find what you can learn and leave the rest. Carrying everything forward only weighs you down.
Finally, reconnect to purpose. Not the past version of it, but what is in front of you now. Purpose is what pulls you forward. Without it, you stay tied to what you lost.
That is how you move forward personally. Not by forgetting. By rebuilding. By believing in who you are, while you tighten the loose threads that might have played a part in everything unraveling.
HOW THIS PLAYS OUT AT EVERY LEVEL
This pattern shows up at every stage of growth.
At the Student level, you learn to move past confusion and keep searching. At the Warrior level, you learn to push through resistance without losing direction. At the Champion level, you learn to respond under pressure and stay consistent when it matters most. At the Leader level, you learn that your response becomes the model others follow.
At every level, the setback is part of the process.
At every level, pain is inevitable.
At every level, success comes from how we deal with suffering.
The only question is whether you choose to stay in it or move through it.
MOVING FORWARD IS THE ONLY OPTION
Every setback presents the same decision. Stay tied to what happened or step into what is next. One keeps you stuck. The other moves you forward.
The people who continue to rise are not the ones who avoid pain. They are the ones who refuse to live in it. They take the hit, they learn from it, and they keep going before they feel ready.
Because they understand something that most people never fully accept.
Pain is part of the path.
Suffering is what happens when you stop walking it.
CoachC Insight
The moment you stop moving is the moment pain turns into suffering.
Teachable Reminders
· Pain is unavoidable, but staying in it is a decision that compounds over time.
· Your standard cannot drop when your circumstances do. That is when it matters most.
· The next opportunity is not waiting for you to recover emotionally. It is waiting for you to be ready.
· Separation creates clarity. What happened to you is not who you are.
· Movement is the fastest way out of suffering. Action changes state.
Application Questions
· Where have you pulled back after a setback instead of raising your standard?
· What is one action you can take today to re-engage professionally instead of waiting to be recognized?
· In your personal life, what are you holding onto that is keeping you tied to the past instead of building what is next?
